"Post-" COVID

I thought I would be better by now. Not to say I haven't progressively been getting better... but, it's almost 2024, and I am still here dealing with the aftermath. I am just feeling like I can catch my breath here and there, seeing a little of myself, my true essence shine through the surface.

And then I start thinking about my debts, my weight gain, all of our trauma responses interacting, how my brain reverted...

It was like, when COVID happened, I had just gotten my footing for a while, and here I am trying to put back broken pieces into a landing that won't hold.

Of course, I'm too hard on myself, my therapist says, and I need to acknowledge my neuro-divergence and how much masking, how many habits I built to be where I was.

And I am genuinely proud of how I've learned from these experiences emotionally, the wiser, softer version of me now. I am honestly better now than I was before in kindness, compassion, understanding, and much more.

What is it they say? 7 years of therapy for each trauma? I was in therapy for about that long before COVID, coming out of what felt like a library of trauma... isn't she right? Why I am I so callous with myself - why do I expect that I'm supposed to wake up one day and just be okay?

Yet, there are certain parts of me I scream at - or maybe I scream with - am I getting better? Am I working towards my goals? Am I still there? What have I swept under the rug?

Who am I, and how do I integrate all these different parts of me?

Lost in a sea between here and memory.