A Year

I can't believe it's been a year since I've written here. How absolutely wild.

This year has been like... pulling myself up through peanut butter pools of questions and confusion.

It's been, hearing myself screaming inside, banging on my own body like it's my cage, sobbing to be set free.

It's been finally seeing the light for moments, finally finding little joys again, finally finding love and gratitude.

It's been a fight between

Am I above water today?

and

Why am I drowning when I can swim?

Why are some moments so perfectly lucid and charged

and

Why do others feel like, 'aren't we past this yet?.'

A scale tipping and tipping to one side and the other trying to find its equilibrium.

That's me.

Curiously, cautiously, rambunctiously, raucously, me... finding me.

Because its not who I was, and its not who I thought I should be.

Its just me.