Gathering

I feel the change within me this winter. As I move with the season, for the first time in a long time, I am not in strife with myself.

I recognize that this may seem strange from the outside, as I find myself pulling inward. However, this deliberate introversion is different from the depressive spells of the last few years. It is... liberating.

When I've been talking with friends, my therapist, and family, I have used the imagery of bucket-filling from popular children's books and classroom language. I describe my recent experiences as having a hole in my bucket - not only was my bucket empty, but it was leaking out - giving too much to the experiences of others - giving what I did not have to give.

Eventually, when you give so much even your reserves are empty, you hit the energetic floor. On my ride to this dark basement of emptiness, I found chaos.

Imagine you peer down a hole. You become off-balance and fall before you process anything. When you fall, you find yourself on a slide - the slide, for reasons you do not understand, goes irritatingly slow in some areas, and nauseatingly fast in others. During this slide, you "get" to face mirrors and shadows, traumas, responses, and every sweet, spicy, and slimey thing you've ever put into that section of your mind you swore you moved past.

Unpleasant, no?

It was indeed.

Yet in that basement, at the bottom, when I thought I'd truly fall apart, I found resolve, stillness, and a fondness for saying no -- a caring for self, and for the first time in maybe ever, a lack of caring how others saw it, a lack of guilt for not being able to give, a peaceful nothingness.

Here and now, I feel myself creating my own metaphorical cave and channeling the energy of the hermit. I sit and gather my herbs, finding which pieces I shall need and which pieces to leave behind.

What tools shall I bring back to the surface as I fix the hole in my bucket? What elements will bring about the best me on my journey home?