Authenticity and Messy Transparency

As I am pulled into my love for writing here, as I find my mind and soul more awake, I sometimes struggle with leaving it all out there. There is always a piece of me that wants to cover up the messy me, and I work to rally against this conditioning.

I think we are all conditioned to put forward a show in some way or another, at least by society, but I think that is undeniably intensified by the cultures I come from. I grew up being told what not to wear, how not to look, be nice, not eager, not slutty, be smart, be straight... the list could go on forever.

And dare you be taboo, keep that shit in a locked, dark space where no one can find that you.

But I rage against this, even though it brings me discomfort. I resist the urge to paint over the wall splatters and pretend I am or have ever been a staged home.

I love the mess, and I am here when other people get messy. I know how to be there in the mess because I let myself express the mess, so I must honor this process.

That was always my intent in creating this anyway - to show you all of it, not just the neat parts, every piece, so if you find this, you always know, you are not alone.

I started the excerpt I'm sharing below in my notes in 2021, and I have thought of it regularly since:

I had to tell you all of it. Of course, it has to be all of it.

Slowly but surely,

Like a nice long puzzle with pieces scattered left and right.

Are you putting the puzzle together?

Or am I?

And you're watching and taking little pieces,

Realizing you have similar ones in your puzzle.

Or, have I already built the puzzle,

only to see that it was a much bigger puzzle,

and now I'm adding all the new pieces I found.

Or, was the puzzle getting close to completion,

and I stomped on it like a child

destroying a tower of blocks,

Only to find,

now I have to build it all over again?

In the end, perhaps it doesn't matter,

which version is most true,

all I know is,

I had to,

Share all of it with you.